Why I Won't Sleep Much Halloween Night
"Hey, Dad! Wanna see my pictures from art class?" "That's an scary looking jack-o-lantern, Thing 2. But, uh, what's with the red under the eyes and mouth?" "That's blood! Oozing out!" "Uh, awesome, buddy. What else ya got there? That's a big one." "Yeah. I was the only one to do two pic

Conditions May Be Slippery
The autumn sky refused to wake this morning. Rain dripped then coldly plummeted and the wind scissored through the Northeastern trees, cutting leaves down in carnival-colored tears. I told the Things to pile in the minivan. No walking to school this A.M. The tires tried to accelerate up the driveway, but slipped and skidded on th

Lost in Translation
When the Things were younger, we set the TVs in our house to display the closed captioning under the belief that this might help the runts learn to recognize words and spell while somewhat countering Zack and Cody's best efforts to turn their brains to mush. I cannot verify this method actually works, given Thing 1's struggles with reading

The Sex Vacuum
I'm firing the people who clean our house. Apparently, they're killing my sex life. The Wall Street Journal, known internationally as the Masters and Johnson of financial reporting and research, wrote this week about a study that finds the more housework husbands and wives do, the more likely they are to have sex.

Tuesday To Do List
1. Eat vegetables even though you'd prefer a double chocolate doughnut. 2. Share a giggle with me as I tell the real story behind Gwen Thompson, the formerly homeless American Girl character that parent company Mattel is trying to pawn off on you at $95 a pop. It's over on DadCentric. You know, the place where the Wild Things are. 3. Go see Where the Wild Things Are. By yourself. It's a very good movie about both the reckless abandon, infinite imagination and awkwardness of childhood. Exuberant, dark, bril