13 Things I Would Never Hear Again if I Power Drilled Through My Eardrums
Drilling from Stock Photo [Crash!] “Dad?” “Dad!” “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!” “Where the hell is dad?” “If he was up your but you’d know” “Shut up!” “You shut–” [Crash!] (Tandem) “

Out of the Mouthes of Babes . . .
I know what I need to do. I need to kill something. That’s going to help my self-esteem. Roon, age 12, playing Call of Duty . . . ymtwymtaymttwtmydbc Thanks for telling your friends about "Death By Children."

DIY: Installing a Vanity in 10 Easy Steps!
Tap and wash-basin from Stock Photography Death By Children is about more than the nefarious and deadly machinations of our spawn or their efforts to render us twitching and pale from their ongoing appropriation of internet porn slang. It’s about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a kind of

Urine Trouble
Antique Yellow Fire Hydrant from Stock Photo My family is different. We live on a different schedule than most families because [My Attorney] is an attorney. I stay at home and cook and clean and yell at the dogs, instead of a mom doing it. A family night consists of us watching Supernatural for three hours or maybe playing a

Dinner and a Booby
We run a tight ship around here at Casa de Death. No cussin. No runnin’ with scissors. No mixing metaphors. Also, we’re dead set against public nudity. This is not true of everyone in our neighborhood. There’s a fantastic Mexican/Guatemalan restaurant a couple of blocks away. We love it. Eat there all the time. In fact, we don’t even call its actual name. We call it by the name of the exhuberant owner. We call it Juan’s. Some families order Chinese. We say, let’s eat at Juan’s. And so there we were the other night, peacefully crunching through some Lomo de Res con Nopalitos, Chicken flautas, and steak quesadillas when I casually glance acr