Hiding

Stress Mgmt

Good Stuffs

Negative Family Influences
I am very frustrated tonight. While I am making progress of my beloved application essays, I am deeply frustrated with my family.Sister is still lying to me about her "friend", who is actually someone I thought was a trustworthy friend of mine (33 years old) until I discovered he is boinking (and now dating) my 19 year old sister. Classy man he is. Classy.Mom is still... mom. I believe I have tried to mention it before... she is the type of person that can do no wrong. Everything is everyone else's fault. It's not that she has a seflish nature, but in certain contexts relating to interpersonal interactions and dynamics, she is ALWAYS right. Never wrong. And this

Feeling Alone, Abondoned.
I'm having problems with feeling abandoned and of second rate importance to people I'd do anything for and make my priority. Jeremiah choosing some broad he barely knows over me sucked. My mom give priority and preference to her dogs and the dog rescue organization. And my sister, who says she is my "best friend", and that I am hers, well she puts random dudes before me. My mom has been the foundation of my support system, and she would do anything for me if it was serious, but I can't count on her for the daily things. Interactions with her make me more stressed and kindle the likelihood of me flipping out and losing it. I have zero doubts that my mom ha

I must be nuts.
I'm thinking I'm nuts. I'm thinking that perhaps I am not as stable as I "think" I am. Which is a SUPER thing to start pondering because it never leads anywhere good. All I end up doing is questioning myself, questioning things I think about myself, and questioning every freaking park of my sanity and mind. It's really fun to begin to think I don't know myself and that I'm basically just a giant jackass walking around with my head up my own bum.At this particular moment, I don't even feel like being in my own head. I want to take some Ativan or Vicodin and sleep this feeling away. I don't know what to do with it. Small explosions keep going off in my head. There's too much

Spining.. Crushing... Permeating
I don't know what to write to explain how I am feeling right at this moment. All I know is that I need Lamictal or something because each second that passes I can feel myself slipping away a little and little more and little and a little further into the old place, that place that was a hell for me to live in. How I wish I had the purely euphoric mania. How I wish for that. Not this thing, this black thing inside of me that seeps into my veins and flows throughout my skin, permeating into every last cell and taking control so that I am nothing more than a bystander in the back of my mind watching me act out of control, impulsive, and make a fool out of myself. I  don't know what i

A Sprinkle of the Crazies
I haven't had Lamictal in a handful of days. It's stupid really... The psych-doc didn't write "do not substitute" on the Rx and my insurance isn't covering it. I may bite the bullet and fork over the cash for it anyhow since I can see I'm not so stable without it. Especially today. The wired vibrating restless impatient whirlwind energy is back in my mind and I'm becoming more of that "other" person who is feisty and loud, curses and lacks a verbal filter of any kind. I almost find myself watching this "other" person from outside of my body as she shouts and is hyper-responsive to anything anyone says and does. She's confrontational and invincible. And the million thi