I Lubed Myself Up in a Parking Lot

About Me Page

I was once offered a human hand.

Not Quite An Adult
First things first, my breakfast this morning consisted of nachos, a coca-cola, green tea, skittles (only the red, green, and orange ones), and small gherkin pickles. Nothing says “new lease on life” like eating crap for breakfast! Let the binge drinking commence! (Kidding mom, kidding.) I hope everyone has a great weekend. I, for one, have had the weirdest week ever. I am looking forward to the weekend if, for no other reason, than it seems like I will get to sleep in and have some sort of normalcy to my life. Here are the things that have happened in the last seven days: 1. I became some-what famous on the internet (and, might

Superpowers
I am about to become a superhero. I know you are wondering how this is going to happen. Allow me to elaborate: I got irradiated yesterday. I got an injection of radiation and inhaled radiation. The doctors were trying to figure out if I had a pulmonary embolism. I did not, for the record. So…what do you think my superpower will be? I am hoping for invisibility! Seriously though, it was pretty scary. Especially since Eric wasn’t allowed to be back there with me. (He got a sucker and I DIDN’T! WTF is that?) This year has been strange, medically speaking. I spent a long time without medical insurance, so I am thinking maybe I

Quick Hits
1. Have you ever been in a supermarket and seen that deli pack of the ends of the deli meats all cut up in odd shapes and wrapped up and on sale for $1? Eric bought me a cheese one of those! Happy anniversary indeed! (Eric: Uh…yeah…happy anniversary! No – wait, it’s not Thanksgiving!) 2. I was chatting with my cousin about the possibility of going to medical school, and then giving back by doing Doctors Without Borders. He said that I shouldn’t because, and I am paraphrasing here, I would no longer be funny. All my blog posts would be about stitching up orphans stubs after land mines blew their limbs off. I laughed for a good twenty

Hotdogs
For the most part, I don’t eat meat. Or, at least, I haven’t in this past week. Then I went down to my parents’ house and had some pot roast on Sunday night. If I were striving to be a vegetarian, I just failed. But luckily – I wasn’t – I’m just poor! Hooray! …wait a minute… Anyway, I go home, tuck myself in, read the Bible (hi mom!) and go to sleep. And then I have one fucked up dream! In the dream I am wandering around Manhattan in pajama pants and a sequined bra and everyone around me was dressed in a hotdog suit and eating raw bacon right out of the package.

Catholic School Ain’t What it Used to Be
One of my female friends teaches at an all-boys Catholic school. I went out to eat with her over the weekend. We slide into our booths, get handed out menus, and I start to look for what I want to eat. “Holy shit! Did you fingerbang Paris Hilton?” She yells (don’t act like you didn’t yell bitch) across the Denny’s. “Uhhh …no?” I respond, totally unaware of what the heck she is talking about, but now every old man in the entire place is VERY INTERESTED in me and my apparent friendships with a certain debutante. “