I Lubed Myself Up in a Parking Lot

About Me Page

I was once offered a human hand.

Status Update
1. What were my niece and nephew for Halloween? That’s right – PEAS AND CARROTS! Best costumes ever! 2. Eric walked in on me using an elliptical trainer and eating an ice cream cone at the same time. He called me an “Enigma” for the rest of the day. What?! Sometimes a lady just feels like being counter-productive. 3. I want to make T-shirts and sell them on this blog. They would say in really large letters “

Ladies, Go Here
This woman just summed up my entire diet. She does exactly what I do. Megan honey, you are starting to freak me out. Also, Secret Diary of a Call Girl is a GREAT show!

What Is Even Happening Here?
www.superpoop.com NaNoWrMo is kicking my ASS folks. Are you doing this as well? If so YOU MUST BE INSANE, because I feel INSANE. Insane meaning “I am a fucking idiot for doing this. Why the hell did I agree to this? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I HATE MYSELF THIS MUCH THAT I AGREED TO DO THIS?!” Or, you know, something along those line.

Dear Facebook
Dear Facebook, Please stop trying to peer pressure me into being social. I know, you are only trying to be helpful. I don’t care. It comes off as peer pressure. For instance, you keep telling me to write on my mother’s wall. “Help make Maman’s Facebook experience better.” Really? Now I have TWO OF YOU guilting me into calling my mother? That ain’t right, Facebook. And let me tell you – I do not like this new feed. I just don’t. I am sorry. I tried. I gave it a week. I could care less for it. For instance, you say this new feed is supposed to be “items I would find interesting.” REALLY? It’s

Oh What Good Genes
If you know me in real life – please read this. Shit, print that out and put it on your fridge. And now, for a conversation between myself and my (new) doctor: Doctor: “You have a very good family medical history. Um, are you sure you’re not adopted?” Me: “No, we’re sure. I am just what’s known in nature as ‘the runt.’ If we were in the animal kingdom, my family would have left me to die right after birth.” Doctor: “Wow. Just…wow.” I can tell this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.