Walking the line
So last night...I fell asleep naturally and for the most part stayed asleep like any normal person would. That NEVER happens. Okay, well like three times a year I will fall asleep naturally. Rarely do I stay asleep or wake up feeling like it was restful sleep. So three cheers for that. I have been getting 4-5 hours of sleep for like a week or two now, so I guess it caught up to me.I need to be careful because I am riding a bipolar manic line right now and I know it. And a good friend reminded me of it. I have a lot on my plate right now, more than I usually do. Things have heated up at work. So I"m trying to compensate plus adding in a boyfriend. So I am trying to find balance.

Playing with fire...
It's midnight. Here I am. Awake. I just took a bunch of medication. No Seroquel though. I am going to run an experiment. I am going to blog every night to see how I'm doing. I just need to know once and for all if it is helping or not. So here goes.I am playing with fire because I am also still awake and I should be asleep. But I was talking to my friend James for an hour and now it's late. And I want to get up early. I know that if I take enough of the meds (or really seroquel) I'll be out for eight hours, which means I won't get up until after eight. But I really want to be at work by 730 which means getting up at 645 to shower since I've sorta slipped on that. I remember when

Oh, the times.
Drama, drama, drama. That is work right now. Sigh. Big parent meeting tonight and not enough good things happened. It's sad. I hope I'm not watching a sinking ship. Sigh. I'm glad I have this nice little room where I can treat the kids and not worry about anyone else but me and the kid.Work stuff aside. I have a counselor appt. in the morning. I have been having flashbacks galore, feelings bubbling up galore. I'm having difficulty sleeping. Difficulty working. Difficulty with everything. Anything can be a trigger. I was triggered when I was intimate with Josh. That might have started it. I remember so much. And then I have had lots of flashbacks of my past treatments and being l

The light
It was a rough night, as many nights have been. I slept in a little bit to grab an extra hour of sleep. That helped. Now I just feel....somber. I'm not excited or hyper like I normally am while at work. My first kid is at 10. I know then I'll be my therapist self and for the next eight hours life will be good. But then I have to go home and the demons will return.I made an appointment with my counselor for Wednesday. So that is happy news. Normally when I call to get another one she doesn't have some of the morning ones open but she had TWO this week open. Maybe my prayer last night worked. I prayed for God to show me the light as he has been doing lately and for me to follow th

Seeing as how I can't fall asleep....
Wrote this on Icarus...Pain has an element of blank;It cannot recollectWhen it began, or if there wereA day when it was not.It has no future but itself,Its infinite realms containIts past, enlightened to perceiveNew periods of pain. - Emily DickinsonSometimes I wonder what the point is, when the pain comes again. I defeat one thing and something else pops up. I thought years ago I defeated the abuse, then the bipolar part of me took over and destroyed me. I lived through that and fought back to the land of the living and live a good life. Then the abuse stuff that I thought had passed me, now rear their ugly head.